#4 Be Honest

I have spent the better portion of my life trying to say things in just such a way.  So that I don't hurt anyone's feelings.  So that I look better.   For one reason or another, when things get sticky, I can twist myself into a pretzel trying to be a diplomat.

Some people love this about me.  Mostly they are the kind of people who don't want to hear the truth.

I am not talking about being mean or hurtful.  I am talking about speaking the truth - straight to the point, with no extra words attached. As kindly as I can.  Still - no matter how kind, sometimes the truth is hard to swallow.  I'm talking about taking my stake out of it, because it's not about me.  If the truth is hard to take, that's not my fault.  Especially if it is asked for.

There are times in life when people are put in our path for really specific reasons.  I believe this.  Right now, I have such a person in my path.  He is a mighty blowhard, and wants everyone to think he's smart and funny and capable.  I always think that if people annoy the shit out of me, it's because I'm recognizing part of myself in them.

If this is the case, I'm changing.  Right now.  Fewer words to say what I need to say.  I will do my best not to be exasperated at having to tell you something you should already know.

And I will spend less of my life thinking "why didn't I say something?"

#3 Stop Listening To That Mean Old Woman Who Lives In My Head

Seriously.  She clearly needs to get laid.  Or have a drink.  The only thing she can think to do is to tell me my ideas are no good, that I'll not finish, that others have done it better already?  What makes her such an expert?

I have too many ideas and not enough time, it's true.  I have romantic notions ill-befitting a nearly fifty year old woman, I'll give her that.  There are many, many, many people doing everything better than I, making more money, being more beautiful and desirable and delicious than I.  Still....

Still.  I will shut her piehole, or at least get better at ignoring her this year.  I will do things because I enjoy doing them.  If I don't finish, I have the experience of starting, of beginning something new, I will have learned something about myself.

I will take my place at the table of life and relish every last crumb.
What's that old woman?!  Lalalalala - I can't hear you...

#2 Living In The Moment

It's a struggle at times, to look in the mirror and see this face.
It's got more wrinkles and age spots and there's the case of my already high forehead getting higher, and my chin(s) getting lower...

But with age comes wisdom (or at least experience), and I've lived long enough to know that ten years from now I'll look at this picture of myself and think "what the hell was I complaining about? I looked FANTASTIC!" So I'm going to try to see this part of the journey as a glass half full.
I'm not overweight, I'm juicy.
I'm not wrinkled, I'm wise.

And no matter how old I get I will never be too old to laugh.
Or have sex.
Preferably both at the same time.

I think hitting fifty next year will be amazing.  I'm so grateful for the gift of this life.  I've had friends who didn't make the milestone, and I don't take for granted that I might not make it either.

I'm just going to try to find a parcel of joy in each and every day.
If I can't, well, I'll shoot for satisfaction.
And if that isn't forthcoming, I can settle for no guilt.
But if by chance the fault is mine, I'll try to do better the next day.  If the next day doesn't arrive, I'll go for the law of averages.  Because I'm more good than bad.  And even when I'm bad, I'm pretty good.

As the French say,  "J'essaie".

Forty-nine and feelin' Fine! #1 Sit-Ups

I turned forty-nine yesterday. For some reason it was different from all those other birthdays. Thirty was a milestone, so was forty. But Fifty? Come ON. There is no way I'll be FIFTY next year.

Except that, with any luck at all, I will.

This is a rich and juicy time in my life. I have a husband who loves me, who has seen me through thin and thick (lately, really thick). Who knows me better than anyone else. I have a son who is the light of my life and the pusher of all my buttons.

And I have spent a great deal of time focusing on other people these last ten years of my life. I enjoy that, it gives me great satisfaction. But I've also used it as an excuse to put things off - going back to school, getting my teaching certificate, pursuing hobbies in greater detail, getting in shape, changing bad habits that daily clutter my life with a feeling of being annoyed or outright pissed at myself. And I realize that I could have made these changes at any time. But this latest birthday really hit me in the face, like a pie with it's creamy filling of reality, so yeah. Now's the time.

So I'm dedicating this year, my forty-ninth on this planet, to me. Not in a self-absorbed, check out my shiny chakra way. I'm not going to let the rest of my life and loves slide by unnoticed, I'm just going to expand the frame enough to put me in the picture too. I'm going to hit fifty running, feeling better than I do today.

So I've come up with a plan: I'm going to do forty-nine things that will help me get there. I don't know what all of them are yet. I'm making this up as I go along. And I don't suspect it will be easy to come up with forty-nine things, or winnow down to just forty-nine. I have NO idea. But that's what excites me about the whole adventure!

And they don't have to be huge, expensive, super risky things either. I won't be traveling the globe or jumping out of airplanes. This isn't "Eat, Pray, Love". And God knows, I'm not Julia Roberts. These are just small steps I can take that make me feel like I'm taking care of myself.

Thing number one: Sit ups. It's simple really. I have no core muscles. I can feel it when I get up out of my chair or out of the car after a long ride. So I'm going to do sit ups every morning and evening. As many as I can without making me never want to do them again. Every day unless I'm sick. If I can button my pants easier, that'll be cool. But if I just sit up straighter, or have a little more energy? That's what I'm after.

Here we go.....